Tuesday, April 29, 2008


the skin of worn lovers feels so differently than the rest. even years after the sex has gone dormant, you can still feel it in a handshake or hug. it ignites in us old fires, if only for a second or two. it's both magnetizing and mesmerizing. we are jolted into old equations, whether their sums ever did measure up right.

it's hard to decipher between love and lust. sometimes near impossible. sometimes it takes years. lifetimes. sometimes we may never know. we spend so much time trying to reconcile. trying to concede. trying to wade through the murky waters of emotion and devotion, through the currents rushing through us every time we say hello. every time we touch.

we wait. we wait it out. we wait to see whether time will resolve our uncertainties. and we wonder if when it does it will be too late. too late to change, too late to speak up, too late to hold tight to what we love.

the skin of worn lovers exists far beyond the lengths any hand can reach. it may be dormant, but never dead. waiting to erupt; like cum, like words, like emotions and devotions. love and lust. rolling and unrolling. every time we say hello.

under dim lights and in cool breezes and out in the streets, i see you. and you say hello.

Monday, April 28, 2008


my new bathtub is huge. in the absence of a plug, i duct taped the drain last night, poured myself and glass of wine, and sank into the glory that is my life right now. things have gone from so ridiculously bad to elation. i am the happiest i've been since moving to portland. i've made difficult decisions to eliminate the unnecessary stresses in my life, and am starting to yield the benefits of doing so.

i have been doing my own thing, for the first time in a while. i'm not dating anyone, i haven't had sex in over 2 months, i'm spending more time on my own. i'm letting other people plan outings. it's a pleasant change of pace. i've been reconnecting with old friends. and everything is just so nice. i feel really at peace for the first time in a long time.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008


we are always looking for a fight. we invent diseases, so we can fight for their cures. we imbue war, so we can fight for peace. we're always looking for someone or something to beat. beat. beat.

not me. not now. i've got running shoes for the occasion. for the occasional fight that comes my way. i lock the doors. and when you come pounding on them. beat. beat. beat. i run. i don't invite chaos in anymore. i'm not looking for a fight.

i'm looking for someone to play records with. to sip morning coffee. i'm looking for high ceilings and hardwood floors, with rugs we can lay our bodies upon. we can laugh and roll around like cats and kids. why fight, when you can laugh and roll around like cats and kids.

i kind of think i have us beat.

Monday, April 21, 2008


koi swim in circles, never knowing how beautiful they are. they know their places though. never too big, never too small. through nature, the find a way to make everything fit. so we can sit and stare at their peaceful beauty. so we can marvel at how easy it is. to swim in circles, so serenely. so unaware.

i walk the planks out by the ponds. it's so pretty here it's a joke. and i'm not laughing. instead i'm mesmerized by the circles being swum. the circles being spun by all the things we say. what we choose not to say, over and over again. over and over again.

we manufacture black bottoms. so, as though, they never existed at all. they mask the depth of the shallow pools. those shallow pools we find ourselves in. the shallow pools i've found you in. swimming. just swimming, so serenely. like art. or architecture, with no lines or boundaries. no borders no floors. just you and the space you surround yourself with. the space you get lost in. the places i get lost, when i'm lost in you. i get so lost in you.

koi swim in circles, never knowing how beautiful they are. we sit and stare, as they swim in circles, so serenely. so unaware. architecture with no lines. just you and me and the space we surround ourselves with. just you and me.

Friday, April 18, 2008


i spend so much time in the past, i often have a difficult time living in the present. this is bad for business. it's bad for the big, beautiful bruises nestling gently into me. from the office i watch the high rises under construction rise higher and higher. i watch the gulls take claim to the river below them. most of all, i watch the trains go sailing by. the roar of the tracks. the blare of the horn. god, i love trains. i get lost in all those trains.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

the fall of the world's own optimist

don't you know, there is no modern romance.

like i said, bad news.

fear and convenience. it all just seems to be fear and convenience.

don't you know, there is no modern romance.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

fake empire

somedays it feels like we're just pretending. barely floating through the streets, buried in these shiny cities. in these empires so everlong. evergrasping. everywhere.

somedays we're all just bad news. ballads filling up the air between us. cordially corralling around us. smothering us to smithereens. it's times like these i never know just what to say. i never have to say a lot to decimate the planks i sometimes find myself walking upon.

the worst news is when we both know i won't be seeing you. plans can account for nothing. plans; they never work out the way we map them to. i don't think it's a lesson i'll ever fully grasp. my plans still include you. but i'm deluded and overwhelmed by it. fingerprints in folders, we record our histories so daily.

somedays it feels like we're just pretending. especially in this thin, cold air.

i am happy, but unresolved. aren't we all?

Friday, April 11, 2008

looking, still.

i wrote this in june of 2005. it's not something that stood out to me; something i'd even remembered until reading it just now. i've spent the majority of the evening re-reading my history recorded so casually. blogs. scary, horrible, amazing things. everything i've experienced in the last 7 years, recorded, published for everyone to see. to judge. to remember. the pains and pleasures. for so long. everything. mostly it boils down to 3 years, though. sometimes it seems to all boil down to those three years. anyhow...


long train rides. tracks disappearing under the weight of our travels. under actions and inactions. becoming more of a serpentine trail. a serpentine tale. shattering from behind us. long train rides. that, when i look back on, i don't remember being so long. so bad. overpaying for cheap struggles, like bad wine. bottles collecting dust, waiting to be drunk. to get us drunk. rattling on the tracks. tracks of tears. those tears which never really belonged to us. tunnels leaving us momentarily blind. tunnel vision.

playing cards to pass the time, as time passes by, lost amongst the flash of scenery out those tiny windows. all glare from the bright white lights, which we would use to keep score, if scores were worth being kept. but somehow, someone's always keeping score. penciled additions and subtractions meant to define a segment in our lives. something someone shouldn't have said or done. the cards we shouldn't have laid down. the stops we missed during long overdue sleep. just waiting to wake up somewhere new.

the terrain has changed, but the train just stays the same. and when i look back, it never feels long. it never feels bad. just overpriced.

barrelling down these tracks to somewhere. 100 miles per hour. if i could make you happy.

long plane rides. looking out over the wing. wishing. thinking. looking.

i know

sometimes there's just too much time. too much time to think, to remember, to drink the coffee i shouldn't be drinking, to re-read the emails we've sent. time, like people, can be so haunting. can linger in the air. like a song, or a smell, and leave us helpless. can leave us wondering about all the time we've lost. the time we can't get back. the time that made places so great. the times that made us who we are. god, it lingers.

i fell in love once. and nothing has been the same since. and the time just lingers.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

i think we're already dead

six months. time moves so quickly, with so many casualties. so casually. it's been six months since the waiting room, and the long walk home, and the everlasting calculations and equation that came to be. the low moments are fewer and further between still.

i've been working. the new job is fine. as fine as any new job can be. fine enough to get me through and by and into my own apartment. it's just time. it's time. i need to spend some time alone. living alone. surviving alone. by july.

on my walk back to the office today, i thought about all that i've accomplished in my life so far. it made me feel better about the way things have stood. it made me feel like less of a fuck up and more of an adult than i allow myself to most times. i've done a lot. i've accomplished a lot. i've made it through a lot, headstrong, shoulders back, eyes up.