hearts

i let him in, again, just like i knew i would. just like he knew i would. i liked it. i hated it. i hated myself for it. i loved it. for all the things i believe in, there are so many things i don't believe in. for all the trust i have for him, i have no trust in him. still i answer the phone, i answer the door. he took little pieces of me, so many for so long. there only but a few left. still i answer the phone, i answer the door. i am broken from him, i am weak from me. i am sick of this. i am in love with us. or who we used to be; of who we might have been. it's hard to have faith in anything. it's impossible to have faith in him. still i answer the phone, i answer the door. i don't even know who i am anymore. i was better before. i was better before. still i answer the phone, i answer the door. and in the morning he texts me hearts, like it means something; like everything is fine. and i'll know it's my fault. and that's all he needs to do. because i let him. because i answer the phone, i answer the door. how can i expect him to care for me, when i don't care for myself? i was better before. i was better before. i was better before. but the phone and the door. and hope. all that fucking hope. i should know better by now. but i was better before.