hearts

i let him in, again, just like i knew i would. just like he knew i would. i liked it. i hated it. i hated myself for it. i loved it. for all the things i believe in, there are so many things i don't believe in. for all the trust i have for him, i have no trust in him. still i answer the phone, i answer the door. he took little pieces of me, so many for so long. there only but a few left. still i answer the phone, i answer the door. i am broken from him, i am weak from me. i am sick of this. i am in love with us. or who we used to be; of who we might have been. it's hard to have faith in anything. it's impossible to have faith in him. still i answer the phone, i answer the door. i don't even know who i am anymore. i was better before. i was better before. still i answer the phone, i answer the door. and in the morning he texts me hearts, like it means something; like everything is fine. and i'll know it's my fault. and that's all he needs to do. because i let him. because i answer the phone, i answer the door. how can i expect him to care for me, when i don't care for myself? i was better before. i was better before. i was better before. but the phone and the door. and hope. all that fucking hope. i should know better by now. but i was better before.

Fades Away

the moon is full, my arms are empty.

somewhere between fourth and sixth the urge to cry began to violently climb my throat. i held it in as best i could; i made it all the way to melrose. alone in the elevator, i finally fell apart. love, fade away. love, just fade away.

every face looked so familiar, because none of them were yours. you are nowhere. yet, you are everywhere. in everything. you are all around me; i cannot escape. love, fade away. love, just fade away.

nothing and no one is permanent. but how can something so deep inside me, so coursing through my veins, be gone? you are nowhere. you are everywhere.

i am skin and bones and devastation. alone in this house, i am reeling; i am reeling myself into tight knots, heavy holds, creases over where you used to be.

everything feels broken. all these useless bones. all those hopeful promises. what are we of this mess? what are we of this?

love, fade away. love, please fade away. love, fade away. love, please fade away. love, fade away. love, please fade away. love, fade away. love, please fade away. love, fade away. love, please fade away.

the moon is full. it means nothing. no surprises, no last stands, not even a ghost. my arms are empty now. i am empty now. i gave it all to you. everything, for you. every little piece.

love, just fade away.

goodbye, hello

the sound resounds of your goodbye; a slow draw and slower fade. it fades throughout my day. a haze coming up from where the sound meets the sky, indivisible by the words you say and the ones i do not. we don't agree on much, but this is axiom. sometimes you drive me crazy, crazy, harshly, horribly. sometimes i cannot bear to be around you. sometimes enough is enough and i've had my fill. but i love you all the time. i think of you all the time. i thank god for you all the time.

love is no easy task. love can destroy so many pieces of you, pieces you didn't know were there to fall apart. love is exhausting. but it is such a blessing. it is something to behold, to brave through. love is no easy task. but i love you all the time.

you're everywhere, all the time. you're everywhere in me, all the time. you kiss me and say hello. and after all this time, after all this... you kiss me and say hello and i still melt into a million pieces.